Tuesday, 4 June 2013

The Funny Farm

'If we're going to be a family that eats eggs, we need to know that we're getting them from Chickens that are treated well.'
This noble statement was how it started.
'It'll work out cheaper.'
we convinced ourselves.
'Chickens don't take up much room'
we said, surveying the landscape of our back garden.
'Chickens are friendly and funny to watch.'
we chuckled.
'Nahla can learn about where her food comes from.'
Yes, excellent idea. It was decided.

Going to the shop to buy eggs is a really difficult and costly task... much more difficult and costly than measuring wood to modify a rabbit hutch to fit three chickens in...

...it's also a lot more difficult to pop to Tesco to get eggs than, say, driving up and down random country lanes to try and find a farm 'with no name' to pick up three chickens from a man wearing a string vest. Especially when said man briskly walks your husband away into a barn, closes the door to the deafening sound of squawking and you don't know if you'll ever see him again.

Eggs are hard to come by any other way, you have just HAVE to have your Husband open the box and let them out all at once so you have to shout 'Just put your hand on their backs!' at him until he's succeeded in rounding them up like cattle.

You could always get your eggs in neat little cardboard trays, but I find it simpler to have to search for them amongst hay and Chicken poo, or sometimes conduct such a search then have nothing to show for it at the end because one of the Chickens keeps escaping into your neighbor's garden, despite you being assured by 'Scary String Vest Man' that "They're nay good jumpers, Lass, ye ken?"

Gloria, Hermione and Leia seemed like cute names, but clucking them at 7am sounds ridiculous. 

After spending money buying (and altering) the biggest rabbit hutch you could find, thinking that it would be cheaper to house Chickens that way than to buy a fancy coop, you then realise that you've purchased one of the largest breeds of Chickens that require the most roosting space.
Your fancy hutch is no longer enough, so instead you have to transport a neighbor's beaten up, old Wendy house that belonged to their daughters (it was full of High School Musical posters) over two 7ft high fences. 
The Zac Efron Chicken Palace is too heavy for your husband to chuck over his shoulder, so he has to draft in the help of not one, but four other men, all of which look like they want to kill your husband at the end of the ordeal, despite your promises of beer and your eager cries of 'You're so strong!'
Then you (YOU), with your stupid 'everything has to look nice' brain, has to paint the Zac Efron Chicken Palace, in the rain.

Then your Chickens roll in the paint and brush up against the wood so that they're no longer glossy and pretty, instead they look like extras from a Panasonic HD TV advert.
(pics to follow)

So, if you want a really SUPER easy way to get eggs, follow our lead...

...Derpcat doesn't like the noises they make either.


  1. you are invited to follow my blog

  2. Haha this is hilarious! Derpcat doesn't seem to over the moon haha but I'm s/he'll love watching them run around like the crazy birds they are.